SJ Adams: We Drill For This

What S.J. stands for....

2012-02-17T05:13:00.000-08:00

For those who've asked, S.J. stands for Satan Jehosephet.

Like all authors who go by initials, I am gender-neutral.

I just kicked Adam Selzer's ass at tetherball.

The Smart Aleck Staff is in high-gear trying to get new guides going. The Smart Aleck's Guide to Grave Robbing is now on ibooks. Just click here:

On the Air!

2012-01-13T16:28:00.001-08:00

KMSU has posted a 20 minute segment in which I discuss, and read from, SPARKS.

Listen to it or download it here!

A Pair of Holy Quests

2012-01-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

Some holy quests from Emma and Tim's scrapbook.

#73: Kick old ladies' butts at bingo and act all arrogant about it. Bingo hustlers, yo!

#55: Find a guy with the same name as a U.S. president at get his autograph.

New review: SPARKS is "a game-changer"

2012-01-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

There are some reviews that have launched people's careers - like Dorothy Parker's review of Harlan Ellison. Or Robert Shelton's review of Bob Dylan. Or the one from 1974 where Jon Landau said "I saw rock and roll future, and its name is Bruce Springsteen." Shelton's review got Dylan a record deal (with Columbia. At age 20). Landau finally got Columbia to pay attention to Bruce instead of just slipping him out and thinking of dropping him (that anyone COULD get dropped after those stunning first two records sort of makes you take pause). And that Ellison could have been thought of as strictly a pulp fiction guy given the quality of his best 1950s/early 60s work is sobering.

I don't think any YA blog has the same pull as Parker, Shelton or Ellison did in their prime, honestly. There's a middle grade blog or two where a rave can make a real difference in your sales, but YA is a different world. In fact, I've been a fairly harsh critic of all those Memes n Drama blogs that focus more on contests than content. And I'm not alone. Honestly, if I repeated the way I'd heard authors, agents, and editors complete the sentence "there are a few great blogs, but...," the scandal would go on for weeks. Authors are known to kiss up to bloggers incessantly in public - I've played that game myself. But believe me, when we meet for lunch or a drink, the conversation is different.

However, there are a few in particular that I really do recommend. Like The Book Lantern, which is known to ruffle some feathers with its criticism of some of the dominant themes in today's YA (it's drama, but it's for a good cause). And there's John Jacobsen's Dreaming in Books , one of the rare male voices in the YA blogosphere, whose reviews are lengthy and articulate. Like Roger Ebert, even when you don't agree with John, you at least get the idea that he knows what he's talking about, and get a sense of whether you might like/dislike a book more than he did (and, incidentally, if you read Ebert's 1 and 4 star reviews, you can skip every "writing craft" book out there - he may be writing about movies, but he'll tell you all you need to know about writing). These are blogs that expect writers to write good books - not just to stick to the trends.

Reviews on these blogs may still not get Columbia to push you so hard that you end of on the cover of TIME and NEWSWEEK in the same week, but they're gratifying as all get out.

So it's REALLY nice to get a good review from him. A REALLY good one. Like Parker on Ellison, Shelton on Dylan, Landau on Springsteen good. I got reviews that felt like raves from some of the trades on I Kissed a Zombie, and a couple of my others, but you only get a paragraph or two in those things. As a writer, you always fantasize about people articulating what they like about your book at great length. I'm not going to lie to you. This is a fine ego trip at a time when I can use one. It's reviews like this that make you feel like you're good at your job and ought to keep doing it, no matter what that pesky student loan officer says.

Some excerpts:

Every once in a while an LGBTQ book comes out for the YA audience that just strikes me as being a game-changer for my expectations of LGBTQ YA.....Back to my usual schpeel - the writing in Sparks is fabulous. Truly, truly fabulous. This is the kind of book that will make hipster YA readers (you know who you are, peeps) and commercial readers equally happy. The book satisfies on a basic level, but as you can tell from above, there's more here than meets the eye. Adams writes truly hilarious situations - I laughed many, many times while reading this book - and he has a great balance of satire, regular humor, and seriousness. He doesn't stay too serious, though, and that's what will make readers fall in love with this book.... This book is more than a journey novel - more than a cross-town road trip.....I just can't say enough about Sparks. This is a book that is so different from the contemporary and LGBTQ YA out there today. It's not angsty...eople that want diversity done without a heavy hand; without a stereotyped view. They will all find something in Sparks. Go out and buy this book. I can't recommend it enough."

Full review

A Joyful Playlist

2011-12-28T07:24:00.000-08:00

I tend to go on and on about the "Ragged Glory" playlist that lasted me the whole time I worked on SPARKS, from the first draft to the last copyedits. The songs all have a ragged, soaring, triumphant quality that I wanted in the book. I don't think playlists help much with rough drafts, but they're fun to make and help me a lot on revisions. You play a song with the right vibe and try to build the scene to work like that song is playing in the background.

Today I made a very important decision that I think will change my life: I typed "Slade" into the "Create a Station" field on Pandora. The station this created has me jumping off the wall as I bang my head and sing along to "Somebody to Love," "Cum On Feel the Noise," and "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress."

It makes me want to talk about my "joyful" playlist, which I switched to for a couple of scenes in the book during revisions. Songs that sound like the band and singer are so happy they can hardly contain themselves and want you to feel the same way. Here's what's on that:

"Oh Yoko!" by John Lennon. The harmonica solo at the end is pure distilled joy.

"Hold Me Now" by Polyphonic Spree. I'm not sure what they're on about in this song - I'm never sure what these guys are on about. But they sure sound uplifting. It's like an indie "Up With People."

I always wanted to start a band called "Up To Here With People."

"Good Lovin" by the Grateful Dead. Once I was at a show where they played this, and a rainbow appeared in the sky. I told a dead head about it and he said "Yeah, that happens a lot at Dead shows. There's a lot of psychic energy." I'm pretty skeptical about stuff like that, but there's no possible scientific explanation to explain how all those VW micro-busses in the parceling lot are still running.

"We Are Golden" by Mika. Fun!

"Don't Stop Believin' (Glee version). I never felt like the show lived up to the promise of the pilot. I like it when their music really sounds more or less like something a really good glee club would do (plus guitar and drums). They usually just sound like karaoke versions. But I sure loved that pilot! Did they ever get around to the gag I assumed they were going for where "new directions" sounds like "nude erections?" The "Halo/Walking On Sunshine" mashup is on there, too.

"My Favorite Things" by The Mountain Goats. One of their dozens of "unreleased" numbers. A minute long song about hearing John Coltrane on the radio while dancing with someone you're probably about to sleep with. "you put your arm around me and it felt real fine /and your ankle brushed up against mine / and resonating in my bones / the precise, crisp, drumming of Mr. Elvin Jones / god damn it! / i love john coltrane!" I swear he actually sings the exclamation point. John Darnielle tends to sing in italics. He does not sing his songs so much as he declares them.

"Oh, Mary Don't You Weep" by Bruce Springsteen an the Seeger Sessions band. The Seeger Sessions band sounded like what old folk music should have always sounded like, but it's a sound that couldn't exist in a world without mixing boards. An 18 piece folk band with a banjo, a tuba, an accordion, and a ragged band of gypsies vibe. I really hope he brings this band back - or makes up for the loss of Clarence by sort of merging the E Street band with some of these guys (which is pretty much what he's already started).

"Janglin" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. These guys (like Polyphonic Spree) sort of seem like a cult. But what a swell cult! One line I just can't get past here is "We want to heal ya / we don't mean to kill ya." Well, good. I wouldn't want to listen to a band that meant to kill me (and wasn't a Norwegian black metal band).

"Kick Drum Heart" by The Avett Brothers. A bouncy song on an album that is generally not bouncy.

"In The Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel seems like it fits into every playlist ever. All building up to the line "can't believe / how strange it is to be anything at all" which is sort of what Sparks is all about. I would have written that right in, but Flux is pretty hardcore about not quoting any lyrics. This made writing the scenes where they listen to "God Only Knows" and "This Year" and "It's All right Ma, I'm Only Bleeding" an interesting challenge. This is not a song Debbie would like, though. It took forever for this band to click with me, and Debbie is not into artsy, avant grade-type stuff. Maybe one day she will be. Not yet.

"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service. This makes me think of my wife.

"Love the One You're With" by Stephen Stills. When I was about 14 I went to see a Shakespeare in the Park thing where they did Midsummer Night's Dream with hippies in place of fairies, and between acts a band played this. One of those songs (like "You may Be Right" by Billy Joel) where, if you pay too much attention, you'll start thinking the singer is acting like a complete douchebag, but they make it fun anyway.

"What Is Life" by George Harrison. My favorite of his solo songs. "Waiting ON You All" would have worked in any Sparks playlist, too.

"My Roller Coaster" by Kimya Dawson. One of her happier songs. All the people in this book need to listen to more Kimya Dawson records. We all do, probably. The importance of "Nothing Came Out' by her band, The Moldy Peaches, to SPARKS can not be over-stated. Sounds like a funny song if you've never been "there," but I think it's really their most doggedly serious song.

"Queen of the World" by Ida Maria. I love Ida Maria. This is one of her happier songs, where the depression underneath is more effectively buried. She features very prominently on the playlist for another upcoming book tentatively titled Mad to Live, and "We're All Going to Hell" is on the Satanic YA book playlists (of course).

"Valerie Plame" by the Decemberists. "Engine Driver" turns up in most of my other playlists, but this one delights me more. Something about opening a song with "Valerie Plame / if that really IS your name" makes me smile.

"What Light" by Wilco. THe "Sing, Sing a Song" of my generation.

"The Happy Wanderer" by The Polkaholics. These guys are the greatest band in Chicago. They are a guitar-drum-bass combo that sounds like early Green Day, only they play polka. All polka is happy. It is happy music for happy people. "The Beer Barrel Polka" teaches us that something can start in Scranton and go to Number 1. The lead singer, Dandy Don Hedekker, is the name sake of the appliance store in the book I Put a Spell on You.

"Constructive Summer" by The Hold Steady. The Ragged Glory playlist was heavy on these guys.

Just added today to this list is "Stuck On F**in' You" by Lady Gaga. Sounds like a Beggar's Banquet outtake. She should do more songs like this. I found myself wishing that whole last record was a big more organic (but in that Jim Steinman and Meatloaf way, if that makes any sense).

Some other music writings I've done:
On Green Day
The Gospel of the Mountain Goats
The Hold Steady and the Gaslight Anthem: Two Gangs Fighting In the Same Springsteen Song
On 90s Alternative as Oldies

News, all sizes

2011-12-27T08:04:00.000-08:00

Some time soon I'll be doing a radio interview on KMSU's Weekly Reader program. More details when I have them.

Fiction State of Mind has a nice review of Sparks today.

Selzer and I are continuing work on Satan's Parents' Basement: A Novel For Young Adults Who Worship the Devil. No word on what we'll DO with it - we're very happy with it, but we're realistic about its chances of fitting into today's market. Contemporary humor with a male protagonist is a hell of a tough sell today.

Barf

2011-12-11T04:41:00.000-08:00

If you take the map of Cornersville Trace , the made-up suburb of Des Moines where SPARKS takes place, and overlay it on a map of where it would actually be in Des Moines, Lisa's house in the book would be right about where Newt Gingrich just opened his new headquarters. Ugh.

Hail Satan?

2011-12-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

About a year ago Adam Selzer (my boss on the Smart Aleck Staff) got into a discussion about Christian YA novels and joked that he should write a Satanic one. He started writing down a few lines and had the first chapter pretty quickly.

He and I are collaborating on it now. he brought me in because he needed some "14+" stuff in it.

It's the story of Leon, the kid from his first two books, as an 18 year old slacker, three years after his girlfriend moved to Europe and he sort of let himself go. He now works in a b-rate ice cream place, may or may not be graduating with his class, and spends most of his time hanging around with his assistant manager, who claims to be Satan and serves as Jeeves to his Wooster. There's a full draft of it now, and we've been going through and revising it.

But what should we DO with it, anyway?

There's really no market for books like this. It's a humorous boy book in which no one gets shot or blown up. A few years ago there would have been a market for something like that, but for a book like that to find an audience these days, it pretty much has to be written by John Green. We have a lot of friends TRYING to sell books like this, and even if an editor wants it, all they're hearing from sales and marketing is "we could sell this if it were by John Green, but since it's not...." John is sort of lucky - in the post-Twilight world, he's a YA writer that it's still socially acceptable for boys (and smart, left-of-center kids in general) to be seen reading. Boys were always a tough market in YA - it's not that they don't read, but when they hit "ya" age, they tend to gravitate more towards adult sci-fi/fantasy/horror and graphic novels. And who can blame them? The YA section is still "The Twilight Section" these days. Even most of the books that AREN'T dystopia/paranormal romance are marketed mainly to the girls who read those.

And if someone DID publish it, we don't think there's any chance they'd actually MARKET it as "a novel for young adults who worship the devil." The chain stores would probably tell them they wouldn't order any unless they removed all references to the dark lord from the cover, title, and description. And then they probably wouldn't order it anyway (getting them to carry a boy book by a midlister is a real trick these days - we'd need to have a movie version coming out or something before there'd be any demand for it).

The obvious choice, then, is to just put it out as an e-book. But there's a danger that "once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny." Will it make it harder for us to get traditional publishers (and good contracts) for our other books if they think we're willing to just throw things out for no money upfront? And who's going to edit it? And who'll READ it? These stories you hear about people selling tons and tons (or, well, gigs and gigs) of ebooks are the exception, not the rule. What sales Adam and I get tend to come about mainly because of our good reviews reviews in the trades. We wouldn't get reviewed in the trades at all if we put it out ourselves.

And is it really better to put it out at all, or is it more fun to just tease people about it? It can be like those albums that bands record and are rumored to be masterpieces, but that, for some reason, never actually get released, and become the stuff of legend, even though they're really just okay? Not releasing this it all lends it a kind of air of mystery, doesn't it?

Anyway, the book is in revision now, and the title is either Satan's Parents' Basement or Are You There, Satan? It's Me, Leon. The Holy Quests, who did the "theme song" for Sparks, are recording a whole EP of songs connected to it which we could offer as a free download.

Or maybe we'll just keep it all on our hard drives and let you all stay curious. Muhahahaha.

The Great Battle

2011-11-10T05:13:00.000-08:00

Adam Selzer and I have long had a challenge: we both had books out on November 8, and whoever's book sold the fewest copies upon launch had to mow to the other guy's lawn.

I think Adam is winning so far, though my book got a lot more critical attention than his. So it's SORT of a draw, but probably more accurate to say that he's winning so far (going strictly by Amazon rankings and store availability).

Either way, though, the subject is kind of moot, since neither of us actually has a lawn.

School library journal has put out their review of Sparks, btw:

ADAMS, S. J. Sparks: The Epic, Completely True Blue, (Almost) Holy Quest of Debbie. 258p. Flux. Nov. 2011. pap. $9.95. ISBN 978-0-7387-2676-2. LC number unavailable.

Gr 8 Up–Debbie, a junior, has been in love with her best friend, Lisa, for five years. In fact, she has created an entire set of interests and religious beliefs as a way of remaining by her side. But when Lisa suddenly gets a boyfriend, Debbie realizes that she needs to figure out who she really is and what she really wants. With the help of two unlikely sidekicks, she sets off on a quest of hilarious adventures where she receives her first kiss, makes some great new friends, and figures out how she wants her life to look from then on out. A funny and quirky coming-of-age novel, this book will appeal to teenagers who are a little bit on the outside looking to find their places in the world.

–Sharon Senser McKellar, Oakland Public Library, CA

There's also a blog review up here:

"S.J. Adams’s descriptions are so vivid and precise it feels like you’re reading in Technicolor."

SPARKS giveaway!

2011-11-08T04:42:00.000-08:00

SPARKS hit shelves all over today. Enter the HOLY QUEST giveaway!

In the book, Emma and Tim go on Holy Quests for their made-up religion, Bluedaism. Some goals on their "holy quest checklist" include:

"Find someone in Des Moines with a Scottish accent"

"kick old ladies' butts at Bingo"

"shake hands with someone who has the same name as a former US president"

"pee in the 18th hole at the golf course"

"plant a pressed ham at the governor's mansion"

"convince a guy with a bad combover to shave his head"

"touch something from ancient Rome"

"find a guy in a suit and tie at George the Chili King"

Suggest a new holy quest goal of your own to us at staff@smartalecksguide.com and be entered in a contest for one of five free copies! Bonus points if you actually complete the goal!

I Beat Up Adam Selzer

2011-11-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

Just a few days until Adam Selzer and I have our new books out out.

He is not taking it well. He is rocking back and forth, obsessively checking Google Blogs and and his Google alerts, eating so much candy that I think he'll probably need insulin, and pacing back and forth (more so than usual). I'd say he's done at least a half marathon just inside of HQ today alone. By the end of the week he'll have paced so much he could have made it to Carbondale.

If, you know, he had any reason to go to Carbondale.

So, I did what my contract as Smart Aleck Staff manager says I'm to do:

I beat him. I beat him up but GOOD.

You see, in all this "anti bullying" stuff we're doing in YA lit these days, no one's really telling the bully's side of the story, except for the usual bunkum about them being scared and alone deep down. Well, sometimes, I'M a bully, and it's not because I'm scared and alone deep down, it's because Adam Selzer is driving me nuts and needs the snot beaten out of him.

He's on the couch now, with a steak over his eye. A minute ago he said, "Thanks, Sij. I needed that."

"You'd better believe you did," I said.

"Your book is going to outsell mine," he said. "I concede."

"Hey," I said, as I poured him a ginger ale. "Mine's in paperback. Easier sell. And it's got good trade reviews."

"I don't have BAD trade reviews," he said. "I just don't have any for this book yet. I did get that one on goodreads that you told me about."

Adam doesn't go on goodreads. It's blocked at HQ. But I saw one review for his new book, and it was a rave. Really, a rave. But reviews from goodreads, blogs, and trades don't really sell books, anyway. Not really. Last year Adam was on AM radio, and after 60 seconds of talking he'd had more than 10x as many web page hits as he got from all the bloggers talking about I Kissed a Zombie and I Liked It combined. He didn't get many from being on NPR last weekend, though.

He's got about half an hour before he has to go out and do a couple of ghost tours now, so that'll get him out of HQ for a while. Long enough for me to hide the candy, though. On Tuesday morning, the two of us will probably trek around to the many indie book stores in Chicagoland to see if our books are on the shelves. And I'll probably end up beating him up again at the end of the day. You should have seen how bruised he was the day that Smart Aleck's Guide came out.

In My Mailbox

2011-10-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

In my UPS store box came a pair of copies of the final version of SPARKS!

In my mailbox is a weekly meme hosted by my butt.

Am I Hipster?

2011-10-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

The first real, official copies of Sparks arrived at Smart Aleck HQ. One of the interns flipped through and said "man, you listed the bands you had on your playlist in the acknowledgements? You're a hipster."

I got indignant. "No I'm not!"

I looked around the room. "Oh, you're definitely a hipster," said Adam Selzer, the boss. "I'm sure glad I'm not you!"

"Like you're not a hipster," I said. "Didn't one of your blog posts get tagged as 'hipster' on Reddit a few weeks ago?"

He gulped.

We make fun of hipsters around here a lot. Adam's movie, At Last, Okemah! made fun of them a lot (though it played primarily TO hipsters). In fact, you're hard pressed to find anyone in town who will claim to be able to stand hipsters. But the truth is, whether we like it or not, we're hipsters here at Smart Aleck HQ - or, anyway, we'd qualify as them in most cities. We're still listening to indie rock in our early 30s, at an age when most of our old friends don't like "that awful new stuff." We live in a big city, use MacBooks, and have a record player. We take the train. We hang out in coffee shops.

But by Chicago standards, we probably don't. There's not a single mustache in evidence at HQ, nor a trucker hat. We don't go to parties or clubs, and have seldom been seen in a hot new restaurant (even though they pop up on block now and then). We watch sitcoms. None of us precede our name with "DJ." We are not under any illusion that we have any notion of what's cool and what's not these days. In fact, I'd say that most people around here think of us as hopelessly dorky.

I like to think that we're hipsters in the classical, 1950s sense around here. We're more "bohemian" than "hipster," really. Granted, most of the bands on the "Ragged Glory: Debbie Does Detention" playlist were popular indie bands once (Moldy Peaches, Neutral Milk Hotel, The Mountain Goats) but they've probably been absorbed into the mainstream enough now that I'm actually losing hipster cred by mentioning them.

But then again, we live in downtown Chicago, a pleasant walk from the "hipster corridor" of Milwaukee Avenue. We have a skewed sense of what makes one a hipster and what doesn't.

Shrunken Heads at HQ

2011-10-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

I hate it when Adam, boss of the Smart Aleck's Guide, starts up a new collection. Especially when it's shrunken heads. This month, it's shrunken heads.

I guess someone gave him one as a tip after he ran a ghost tour, and, well, he got the bug. Now HQ is a disaster area. The heads are one thing, but they each come in a REALLY large box (you wouldn't think they would, but they do), and they're all full of styrofoam peanuts, bubble wrap, and plastic sheets.

And, yeah. The heads bother me. I keep feeling like they're going to start talking and telling me things I don't want to know.

Selzer loves them. He's even mounted a few of them onto Barbie doll bodies to make his own "2 Broke Girls" action figures. With shrunken heads. He has them set up in his own "Williamsburg Diner Action Playset."

And he's not even AROUND headquarters much these days. He's always off running tours, interviewing the grandchildren of serial killers (he got invited out to help exhume one the other day - Gd only knows what he'll bring back from THAT trip), tromping around arboretums, occupying large banks and having milkshakes in the burbs with his wife and Claudia Gray. Meanwhile, we here on the staff are left in a mess of shrunken heads, trying to work on the new guides and dealing with the blowback from someone calling him a hipster on Reddit, and there're only three weeks until Sparks comes out (on the same day as Adam's new one, Extraordinary).

#OccupySmartAleckHQ.

Random Passage from SPARKS

2011-10-15T05:31:00.000-07:00

Here's a section from Chapter 8 of SPARKS, which will be out via Flux early next year or late this one. Here, the "holy quest" takes Debbie, Emma and TIm to Mid-Iowa Lanes, a local bowling alley where lots of holy quests seem to take them:

The inside of Mid-Iowa Lanes smelled like cigarettes and shellac, and the walls were covered with paintings of guys with mustaches holding bowling balls. Everything in the place was a shade of brown, orange or yellow, except for the glowing pink and blue neon lights that were set up here and there. There was a bar where people were drinking -- and it wasn't even four o'clock. Speakers in the ceiling were blasting “Don’t Stop Believing” way too loudly.

"I never realized how dirty this place looked," I said.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" asked Emma, as we stepped inside. "A place unsullied by the present standards of design."

“Or cleanliness,” I said.

"They haven't even changed the music since about 1989," said Tim, reverently.

"That's the beauty of a bowling alley," said Emma. "There's nothing classy, modern, or sterile about these places. And wait ’til you see the bowling alley skanks who hang out in the arcade!”

Tim started singing a song about bowling alley skanks to the tune of “Don’t Stop Believing.”

“And we mean ‘skanks’ in the nicest possible way,” said Emma. “They’re good kids.”

We started walking down along the area between the bar and the lanes themselves, and I looked around at the people. There were a whole bunch of guys in ugly shirts bowling. Most looked sort of grimy, even from a distance. There were a lot of comb-overs in evidence.

I wondered why none of these men were at work. It wasn't like there could possibly be that many professional bowlers in suburban Des Moines.

Besides the actual bowlers, there were a handful of people who looked like they were just
hanging around. A few guys in tattered overcoats sat by the bar. Five or six old black guys were lounging by the pool tables, laughing and joking.

Everyone there looked sort of grotesque, like they were covered in a thin layer of cigarette smoke or something, as though Megamart was selling bottled cigarette smoke as a gel, and everyone had smeared themselves with it because they weren’t allowed to smoke in public anymore. Maybe they'd hung around the bowling alley so much that that weird smell got into their skin and was never going to go away.

It was just a bowling alley, but I'm not sure I'd ever seen anything so scary in my life. This was not the sort of crowd I was used to traveling among without being surrounded by the Lisa and
her friends.

There was no sign of Norman or the Fellowship anywhere.

Nifty SPARKS excerpt

2011-10-13T17:15:00.001-07:00

One month until SPARKS

2011-10-08T06:42:00.000-07:00

One month to go until SPARKS!

I'm pleased to announce that Adam and I will both be at the Teen Book Fest in Rochester this coming May. Which of us does more panels depends on how Sparks does vs. Adam's Extraordinary, which comes out the same week. Mine is in paperback, and his is in hardcover, so sales-wise, I expect to mop up the ol' floor with him.

The first few reviews have trickled and, and, to my delight, have NOT dinged me for using pop culture references (to the extent that Full House still counts as pop culture in 2011). I know Adam got hit a lot for the pop culture references in I Kissed a Zombie - many reviewers made a point of saying that the book won't age well, since it has a number of pop culture references. Most of them are to Leonard Cohen and Cole Porter, which will be no less dated in 2030 than they already were in 2010, but never mind.

Somehow, word has gone around that you should never refer to pop culture in a book, because the book will be dated soon if you do. Actually, the REAL rule is "never use pop culture to show how hip you are, or rely on it as a means of getting the reader to feel a rapport with your narrator." Your book will be dated in a few years anyway. The world marches on. And which idiots are we pandering to if we write our books strictly for readers who expect everything they read to seem like it was taking place two weeks ago? Personally, if I read a book from 1965, I expect a Beatles reference. If the main character in a book that takes place that year doesn't have an opinion about the Beatles, they're probably dead inside.

All books date. Every paranormal romance and dystopia will be dated in ten years, after the crazes have died down. Most likely, after ten years, hardly anyone will read them.

But Roger Ebert recently said that the biggest problem with a ten year old movie is that it isn't thirty years old. The same is true of books. Some of these books will become "period pieces" that continue to connect with readers from across the decades. But what good book have you read recently from 1981 that truly seems like it could have been written this week?

I like to rant about this stuff. I think I've already done it once or twice on here.

Meanwhile, back at Smart Aleck Staff HQ, we're busily preparing the first four Shakespeare guides to launch next month, and running drills for what happens if Adam gets followed home by a ghost after one of the ghost tours that he's now funning 6-8 times per week. He's going tromping around in some of the most notable supposedly-haunted spots in town, flashing lasers around, and digging up information about long-dead serial killers. Ah, Halloween! When a young man's fancy turns to blood.

Adam's back in the ghost tour biz

2011-10-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

...which means we here at the Smart Aleck's Guide have to prepare for the worst. Proton packs are at the ready.

Good marks from Publishers Weekly!

2011-09-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

"Touching and humorous....Debbie and her offbeat cohorts are nuanced and authentic"

See full review at Publishers Weekly

first SPARKS review

2011-09-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

In an upcoming issue, Kirkus will call SPARKS "original and appealing....a kinetic and well paced comedy that just might win a few converts…"

This is the first review I've seen, and a good review from Kirkus is always nice to get (they're known to be rather curmudgeonly). It lists the release date as Nov 1, which is a week earlier than I'd thought, and means that I can call off my beef with Adam Selzer, whose new book was to come out on the same day as SPARKS. He's the captain of the Smart Aleck Staff.

ETA: Nope, still Nov 8th. So the fight is still on, Selzer!

Adam Selzer unwraps mummies (probably)

2011-09-22T03:34:00.000-07:00

Now and again, Adam Selzer will pick a classic book or play or something and try to work as many references to it as possible into his current book, just to see who notices. There are shout-outs to Our Mutual Friend all over I Put a Spell on You, and his new book, Extraordinary, is loaded with Music Man references. There's even a Wells Fargo Wagon (full of unicorn poop).

And his "Satanic YA" novel that he's been tinkering with is full of Moby Dick references.

Now, let me explain something: Selzer is a guy who gets REALLY into what he researches. When he was reading Moby Dick, he got the bug and decided to go harpoon a whale himself. And how would he do that, here in Chicago? Well....let's just say that no one from the Smart Aleck Staff is allowed to show our face down at the Shedd Aquarium anymore.

And now he's working on a section about Victorian "mummy unwrapping parties" for The Smart Aleck's Guide to Grave Robbing.

And seeing how much gauze he has leftover from his recent sinus surgery...

I guess we haven't been kicked out of the Field Museum yet, but I suppose it's only a matter of time before every museum in town has our picture in the box office with the words "do not sell to these hooligans" above it.

Oh, goodness

2011-09-16T06:07:00.000-07:00

Adam, boss of the Smart Aleck Staff, has just announced that he intends to bring tying onion's to one's belt back into fashion, and that we all have to help.

Headquarters is going to smell INCREDIBLE. We put out two new Smart Aleck's Guide ebooks, then Adam rushed out a book on Chicago ghostlore in time for Halloween, and now I think he's at loose ends. Nothing to do but work on fiction and try to bring fictional retro fashions back. This does not bode well.

But we drill for things like this.

Sparks Trailer!

2011-08-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

Here's the video trailer for SPARKS, coming November 8 from Flux Books.

You can also see it, and download the song from the background, on the new downloads page.

Trailer Stills

2011-08-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

Here are some stills from yesterday's trailer shoot:

Julie Kostynick as Debbie and Ava Raddatz as Emma Wolf. We filmed this scene at the same high school that was used for Mean Girls, just to say that we did. It probably won't make the final cut.

Emma and Tim (Tyler Streb) kick old ladies' butts at bingo.

Bluddha, the current mascot of the Church of Blue (it WAS Emma's car, but you just can't have a deity that stalls out on you every day).

Emma and Tim complete their Holy Quest Goal of finding someone with the same name as a US president by meeting Andrew Johnson, who is just THRILLED.

Keeping an eye on Adam today - he's reading up on mummy "unwrapping parties" that were popular in the Victorian era, and something tells me he's going to want to try it out....but we drill for this sort of thing around here.

The Ragged Glory: Debbie Does Detention playlist

2011-08-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

From the feverish days of trying to write the first draft in two weeks back in 2007 through two weeks ago, when the last of the edits were finalized, the RAGGED GLORY playlist has been the heart and soul of SPARKS. I took the term from Will McRobb and Chris Viscardi, who said they wanted their TV show, The Adventures of Pete and Pete, to have a sense of ragged glory in their DVD commentary. I want all of my stuff to have that, too. They borrowed the term from a Neil Young record.

Over time I've added a bit to the list, so some things are from post-2007. But now you can listen to most of it yourself on spotify!

Click to open spottily behold the ragged glory!

Three months out...

2011-08-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

Just a few months until SPARKS is unleashed upon the world. I turned in all of the last round of changes and fixes on Monday morning, wrapping up four years of work on this project. The last song to be added to the "Ragged Glory" playlist was "Chesire Kitten" by SJ Tucker (she pronounced SJ as "Sooj." I go by "Sij.")

We're knee-deep in work for the video trailer(s) now. I wonder if Flux would mind if we ended by saying "Flux Books. YA Lit with 50% fewer dumbasses than the next leading brand..."

Now that the main body of work on SPARKS is done, I'm going full time on the new launch of the Smart Aleck's Guide series. You can help us get launched at kickstarter.com!

Theme from Sparks

2011-08-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

A new band called The Holy Quests came by Smart Aleck Staff HQ to record some incidental music for the book trailer we're putting together for Sparks (using one of Adam's old songs). The trailer is going to be GREAT! We've got a really cool cast lined up. Here's a free mp3 of the "theme song."

New York Rain (Theme from Sparks) by scapegoat95

Excerpt from SPARKS

2011-07-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

Emma backed out of the garage, pulled onto the street, and stepped on the gas, saying “praise be to Blue, and hallelujah!”

Tim looked out the window as we started down the street. "I'll bet no one in heaven still says 'hallelujah,'" he said. "It's probably like saying 'gee golly' on Earth."

I chuckled for the first time in hours.

"Where are we going, anyway?" I asked.

Emma slammed on the brakes and pulled over onto the side of the street, in front of a yellow house where a bunch of little kids were playing out front. The kids stopped and took a step backwards when Emma stopped the car, like they thought she was a stranger who was going to offer them candy.

“Shit,” she said. “I hadn’t thought of that. I was just veering in the general direction of George the Chili King.”

“We should at least get the checklist out,” said Tim.

He opened the glove compartment and started digging around. “We have a checklist of things to do, see, or find on Holy Quests,” he said. “Some of them are quests in and of themselves, some are just things to do along the way.”

“It’s like playing Auto Bingo,” said Emma.

Tim handed me back a sheet of paper. I looked out the window to see the kids decide Emma wasn't a threat and go back to playing, then read it.

HOLY QUEST GOAL CHECKLIST

1. Find and play a “Love Tester” machine.

2. Locate a guy with the same name as a U.S. president and get his autograph.

3. Talk our way into getting to the top floor of the Principle Building (801 Grand).

4. Plant a Pressed Ham at a place patronized by old ladies (or at the Governor’s Mansion).

I looked up from the list.

“What’s a pressed ham?” I asked.

“It’s where you press your butt cheeks up against a window

when someone’s sitting on the other side,” said Emma. “We did it at an old lady place, but we should really hit the governor’s mansion, too. Branstad deserves it.”

“No objections from me,” I said.

I looked back down at the list.

5. Drink six shots of straight espresso each.

6. Find a waitress named Irene, Wanda or Rhonda.

7. Go inside a teacher’s house.

8. Acquire a statue of a monkey.

9. Find the grave of Tim’s great great great grandpa Harry.

10. Convince a guy with a bad comb-over to shave his head.

11. Find someone who has a Scottish accent.

12. Touch something from ancient Rome.

13. Pee in the 18^th hole of the Waveland Golf Course.

14. Find a guy in a suit and tie at George the Chili King.

15. Shake hands with a bowler who has bowled a perfect 300.

16. Win a game of Bingo (and act all arrogant about it, like Bingo hustlers, yo).

17. Fill Heather Quinn’s shoes with whipped, sour or shaving cream.

18. See a naked person of each gender (live and in person) in the same place at the same time (hands off, Emma!).

19. Break something expensive.

20. Witness a girl-on-girl kiss in which at least one participant has never kissed a girl before (boy-on-boy also acceptable).

All but the last three on the list had check marks next to them.

“So you guys did all these things?” I asked.

“Yeah,” said Emma. “That’s actually our fourth list, too. Some of them take a while, but we meet interesting people, find interesting places, and do amazing things along the way.”

“Some of these kind of seem like they’re breaking the ‘don’t be an a-hole’ rule,” I said.

“Maybe a little,” said Emma. “But mostly it’s being a jackass, not an asshole. There’s a difference.”

“Like when we stole all those Neighborhood Watch Signs,” said Tim. “That sort of toes the line, but proving they didn’t really mean anything seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“And we’re giving them back,” said Emma. “Our holy quest for spring break is to find really cool places to put them up.”

“What did you touch from ancient Rome?”

“They had some old Roman coins at the coin shop on Fleur Drive,” said Tim. “That one was easy. The hardest one on that list was actually finding someone with a Scottish accent in Des Moines.”

“I’ll bet,” I said. “No one emigrates to Iowa.”

”That last one works out perfectly,” said Tim, as he took the list back. “Debbie can kiss Lisa at the end of the night. Who's the patron saint of goal setting?"

"Christ, I don't know!" said Emma. "But blessed be the name of whoever the hell it is, huh? I’ll bet we can do all of those last three things tonight.”

“Anything can happen on a night when you finish off a holy quest checklist,” said Tim. “Especially if you knock three of them off to get there.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “To be totally honest, I think the odds that she’ll end up kissing me tonight are about a million to one.”

“Gotta have faith,” said Tim. “Blue will provide.”

“Still,” I said. “Naked people? Where would you find those?”

“That’s no problem,” said Emma. “I mean, if the night is winding up and we haven’t done either of them we’ll find something to break, and Tim and I’ll get naked behind a bush or something before you talk to Lisa and kiss her. I’d hate for either of you to have to see my fat ass, but we’ll do what we have to.”

“I’ll survive,” said Tim. “I saw already saw it when you planted the pressed ham at the coffee shop. I didn’t die.”

Emma laughed. “I think the old lady who was sitting at the window almost did. She sure screamed loud enough.”

“I’m putting that goal on the next list, too,” said Tim, “but this time the governor’s mansion is a requirement, not an option.”

“Look out, Governor Branstad!” said Emma.

“I still don’t know,” I said. “I’ve never even seen a naked guy before.”

“Well, all the more reason, then,” said Emma. “That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Trying new things?”

“We’re not saying it would straighten you out to see someone’s shlong or anything,” said Tim. “But seeing people naked is like, a life experience thing that everyone ought to do.”

“Whatever,” I said. “Does it even count if I’m the one who sees the people? I’m not Bluish.”

“Anyone coming along on the quest is qualified,” said Emma.

I nodded. “As long as I can keep my clothes on.”

“Oh, you totally can,” Emma said. “We wouldn’t make you do anything you weren’t comfortable with. But if we cross off all three of these tonight, anything can happen. I’m willing to get naked to get us to that point.”

"So, how much time do we have?" asked Tim. “You know when movie they were gonna see starts?”

"Not off the top of my head,” I said. “They had other stuff in the afternoon, but they were going to two of them, so they’re probably at, like, 7 and 9. Angela might know for sure. Let me call her.”

I reached around behind me for my backpack -- and felt nothing.

Oh, God.

I thought back, and realized I hadn't had it in detention, either. Or in the class before. Or in the bathroom. I’d been in such a haze, and everyone else had been so much into spring break mode, that I hadn’t even thought to pull out a text book. I must have left it at the lunch table when I ran out in a hurry.

I always do things that. Lisa used to joke that I’d lose my butt if it wasn’t attached.

My chest started to tighten. My guts felt like they were going to come climbing out of my throat. My breathing got really short. My backpack had the list of reasons I was not just a wacky sidekick in it. Including the Big One. Which I had stupidly not written in code or something.

And now someone else had it.

“Oh, crud,“ I said, starting to shiver. “Oh, crud, crud, crud.”

"What?" asked Tim.

"My backpack... I think I left my backpack at the lunch table! It had my phone... and a list of reasons that I’m not just like Kimmy Gibbler from Full House...”

"So, if whoever has the bag opens it, you're outed?" asked Tim.

I nodded. “If Norman reads it, he’ll tell Lisa and everyone else in the world. And she might feel like she has to prove to him that she’s not gay, too…”

If Lisa found out that I liked girls from me, she’d probably be okay with it, at least. I mean, I didn’t think it was really likely that she’d turn out to be in love with me, too, but she wouldn’t throw a Bible at me or anything. A couple of the ACTs sponsors thought that having gay marriage be legal in Iowa would the end of the world, but Lisa said she didn’t really have a problem with it. I don’t think much of any of the kids in ACTs did.

However, if Norman had my bag, and he found out and told her before I could, he’d probably tell her not to hang out with me anymore. I hoped she’d have the sense to tell him to go to Hell, but she was stuck so far up his butt she could barely see out.

Emma turned back to me and put a hand on each of my cheeks.

“Breathe.” she said. “Just breathe a second. We have this under control.”

I tried to breathe. It helped a bit. Hearing her speak so confidently didn’t exactly reassure me, but it kept me from going into total panic mode.

“Who do you think might have it?” asked Tim.

”Lisa probably picked it up after lunch,” I said. “Do you have a phone I can use?”

Emma passed me back a phone and I dialed Lisa’s number, but there was no answer. Just her voicemail:

“Hi, this is Lisa. If you’re being chased by a bear, hit the pound sign, then hang up and run in a a zig zag pattern. Otherwise, leave a message.”

The phone beeped, and I said “Hi, Lisa, it’s me, Debbie. I’m on a friend’s phone. Do you have my backpack? Call me at this number, okay? I really need it back.”

I thought maybe I could call Angela or something, since I needed to know if she knew what movies Lisa and Norman were seeing anyway, but I didn’t know her number. Lisa’s was the only one I really knew offhand. I mean, I never actually dial people’s whole numbers. They’re all saved in my phone.

I called my own phone, hoping that whoever had it would answer, but it went to voicemail, too.

"Can we just go to Oak Meadow Mills, where Lisa lives?" I asked, handing Emma her phone back. “Her mom might know where she is. And she might have dropped my bag off at her house.”

"Perfect," said Emma. "And Quinn probably won't be heading that way, so it's extra perfect."

“Sounds like a quest has fallen right into our laps,” said TIm. “The Quest for Debbie’s Backpack.”

“If Blue or whoever it is hid my backpack just so we could have a quest, I’m moving to Minnesota and starting my own damn religion,” I said. “One whose whole purpose is to wage war on Bluists.”

"We could use one of those,” said Tim. "It'd be great if we could be oppressed a bit. It'd really bring Bluists together."

"All two of us, yeah," said Emma. “Don’t worry, Deb. Blue wouldn’t pull that kind of crap on you.”

“Can we just go?” I asked.

“Of course.”

And she took off through the streets of Cornersville Trace. We pulled away from the school, past De Gama Park and through the "historic" part of town near the mall and my house.

Buzz Cuts: An Essay for Pride Week

2011-06-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

(originally posted at The Hate-Mongering Tart)

As a student at South Gwinnett High School in Snellville, Georgia. I was not exactly bursting with school spirit. In fact, I spent a lot of time imaging that I had a "doomsday button" on the corner of my desk. But I certainly hated Brookwood, our rival school. It was a more affluent school, with (I swear) chandeliers in the cafeteria and a nearly undefeated football record. I competed against a lot of snobs from Brookwood in debate tournaments. I remember one girl lamenting "we didn't win a single trophy last time... you don't understand. We're BROOKWOOD. That does NOT happen." Even now this sort of makes me want to hit myself (or her) in the head with a text book.

I was the only person at South who worked at the Fuddruckers on Scenic Highway in the spring of 1997. Everyone else who worked there went to Brookwood. They were not keen on having to work with someone from South - especially one who was rumored to be gay.

My job at Fuddrucker's was "Guest Service Relations," a position so useless it no longer exists. Most of my job was refilling salt shakers and giving customers someone to complain to - and they had plenty to complain about. It was not a well-run place. It did a lot to spark my life-long prejudice against managers.

I was only an employee there for a couple of months, but looking back it seems like I was there ages. Of the other employees, the one I liked best was a long-haired, no-good kid who said that his parents were kicking him out the day they turned 18 so they could start recovering. Most of the other employees thought he was a heavy metal-loving Satanist. In reality, he was a classic rock guy; he and I spent a lot of time quoting "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel and getting on the intercom after hours and pretending to be God ("Attention Fuddruckers...this is God...I urge you all to take up Buddhism....")

I was also said to be a devil worshipper, and had the added fun one of being three people there was who was widely rumored to be gay. All three of us had a hard time with it, but we didn't band together in a show of solidarity or anything. In fact, the three of us genuinely hated each other.

The first guy was one of my fellow Guest Service Relations workers. He spoke in somewhat of an effeminite voice, so much so that I was pretty sure he was gay myself. I remember that he called napkins "napoupons," for some reason. He had an interesting trick for dealing with accusations of being gay: when accused, he would offer to kiss any girl who happened to be present. For some reason, this deflected all doubters. "I thought he was gay," one girl said, "but he'll kiss any girl any time." Apparently, this girl was operating under the impression that gay men will shrivel up and die if their lips touch those of a girl.

Guy #2, a cook (I think) exhibited similar stereotypically "gay" mannerisms, but deflected the rumors by being the most homophobic sumbitch alive. This two month period when I worked with him happened to be the period when Ellen Degenerous came out of the closet, so the subject of whether all gay people were going to hell came up a lot. He was quite insistent that they were.

I remember one girl trying to defend homosexuality to guy #2. I jumped into the conversation right around the time he said "There's no such thing as gay love. It's not love, it's perversion!"

"No," she said, "sometimes..."

"You're not supposed to stick things in that hole," he said. "It's wrong. It's why being gay is a sin. It's disgusting and perverted."

"Well, guys and girls do the same thing," said the girl. "Is being straight a sin?"

He continued to act disgusted.

I don't remember anyone's names from that place (just the faces and occasionally a first name), so I can't look any of them up. However, I would not be at all surprised to find that both of those guys were happily out of the closet now.

Personally, their reasons for thinking I was gay revolved around two things (besides the fact that I didn't go to Brookwood): 1. I didn't think all gays were going to hell and didn't join in on the "it's disgusting" chats, and 2: I had curly hair.

"It's natural," I said. "It's not like I put it in curlers or anything."

"Mine is, too," said another guy. "But I do the right thing and cut it off!"

I noticed that a lot of the guys there - really, almost everyone but the long-haired guy - had a buzz cut. Anything but the GI Joe look was un-American. I can only guess what these guys would have said about the Beatles' haircuts a few decades before.

It got a bit uglier than just being picked on - one guy even took to chasing me around with, knives following me out to my car, and generally stalking me. Most of the staff (including the girl who'd defended homosexuality to guy #2 and had seemed friendly enough) helped him out. The manager wouldn't fire him, even after he did things that resulted in me getting hurt and threatened to do worse.

Once when he threatened to kill me, I alluded to the fact that if I made one phone call, he could end up in jail "and find out what a real gay guy looks like."

I'm not really proud of that one, looking back, but it shut him up for a minute.

Meanwhile, he had his gangster-wannabe friends (one of whom went by the name of Boat Show) come in as customers to give me a hard time, and told me that I should refer to all other employees as "sir" or "ma'am." I never once did. These people were not knights of realm.

Eventually I told the manager to fire the guy right that second or I'd quit. He wouldn't, so I gave him my notice and found another job (this was the Clinton era - EVERY restaurant was hiring). I didn't really expect that the staff at my job at Po' Folks, which catered to hicks specifically, would be any more progressive, but the job at Fuddruckers sucked, the manager (who horrified me by saying "i see a lot of myself in you, SJ") was kind of an idiot, and it's just not pleasant to work in a place where people think it's funny when a guy chases your around with butcher's knives and expects you to call him "sir."

On my last day, when I left the place for the last time, a handful of the employees gathered at the front door to shout "get out of here, you queer!" in unison as I walked to my car.

I sometimes wish I'd said something profound or something that made them feel a bit guilty, but my actual response ("fuck me running, you chickenshit bastards") was all I could think up at the time.

I never saw any of those people again.

Nor have I heard hide nor hair from the group in my algebra class who one day came to class in homemade "stay straight" t-shirts covered in slogans such as "we hate fags" and made plans to sing "Dixie" outside of the trailer that served as a classroom for a teacher widely rumored to be gay. They spent the whole class thinking up other hateful things to write on each other's shirts. Just to see how they'd react and register my disapproval, I suggested they add a swastika.

They were baffled by this. Though these guys made no secret of being racist, anti-semitic, and anti-everything else, it had genuinely never occurred to them that being anti-gay was a form of prejudice, too. After all, the general consensus among people at that school was all that gay men were child molesters, or, at the very least, rapists who lurked in the shadows to prey on any man fool enough to go into a big city alone after dark.

In the middle of all this I did know one person who claimed to be bisexual - a young man who rode my same bus. He was also an outspoken neo nazi (though he thought the phrase was "hail Hitler," not "heil."), had purple hair and was operating under the odd misconception that he wouldn't have been forced onto the first train out of Berlin.

I was actually sort of friendly with another guy who claimed to be a Nazi, too. When you actually talked to him, you found that he didn't really follow the idealogy - he was just rebelling and looking for a way to fit in, really, and some local racist punks gave him a place. I thought it was important that people besides the other local Nazis be friendly to him. We liked some of the same music and I was able to point out the giant holes in his logic without seeming like I was threatening him. I wish I'd done more.

When I look back now at the people I sat with in other classes (who never missed a chance to rail against "fags") (sometimes using that exact word to quote their minister), I'm surprised at how many of the people I argued with seemed, in retrospect, like they were probably not being honest with themselves (indeed, I later heard that one or two had come out). I feel terrible for them. They were gay in a town where ministers apparently had no qualms about using the word "fag," and where people thought that gay bashing was no more "hateful" than Brookwood-bashing. Where local groups sent out mailers accusing the mayor of being a "sodomite." Of COURSE they tried their hardest to be dishonest with themselves - I can only imagine the stress they were under. Most people weren't getting online yet; finding friends among whom they could be honest with themselves was not an option, and must have seemed totally impossible.

I ended up leaving the school after junior year and going to the local "alternative" school where the pregnant girls and burnouts went. I loved it there. It was a whole school full of freaks. Some kids there were openly gay. Others were openly pagan. There were rednecks there, too, but they weren't running the place like they seemed to at South in those days. There were no sports, no proms, no clubs, no social curriculum of any kind. It was like escaping to Wonderland to me. The school treated us like adults and expected us to act like it. We did.

Not every student has the option of going to such a place, but at least the internet gives us all a place to go. Everyone can find like-minded people going through the same things online, and watch TV shows where gay teenagers deal with the same things they're going through. At the very least, gay teenagers are being told that "it gets better" and there a million ways for them to find that they're not alone.

We have a long way to go, but so many things happening today would have been unthinkable when I was in high school. Bills are failing to pass by one vote instead of thirty. There's a reason the anti-gay lobby is scrambling to get their laws and restrictions on the books now. They know that in another 10 years, they won't have a chance. The anti-gay brigade needs to decide what side of history they want to be on.

As for those guys in high school, I can't find most of them online, but I know that at least a few are out of the closet now. The bisexual neo nazi from the bus is probably married with kids and working at the bank, and I hope the one from my chemistry class got it out of his system, too. "Boat Show" might still be a douche bag, but I'll bet he feels like an idiot whenever anyone reminds him that he used to think he was a real gangster. I can't say for sure, because I honestly don't remember most of their names. And they probably don't remember mine, or the fact that I was a complete dork who only occasionally had the balls to stand up for myself or others. When high school ends, it ENDS. Thank god.

Sparks Arcs (boy, is that fun to say out loud!)

2011-06-11T17:15:00.000-07:00

I'm weird about ARCs. They're fun to get, but they're also UNCORRECTED. I feel like people are seeing me in my underwear when they read them. Copyediting is scheduled to start late this week, then the final, fully clothed version will hit the printers in September. Sometimes I just fix typos in copyediting, and sometimes the process gets more involved than that. I know Adam Selzer fixed a LOT in the last, post-arc stages of EXTRAORDINARY, the book out the same day as SPARKS.

Anyway, you can see that I've been productive lately. But Adam? Well, that's another story. He's been wasting his time with music. He has a gig at a sci fi convention next weekend, and he just recorded a new album with his 8th grade band, SCAPEGOAT.

They were not the first band to be called that. Nor would they be the last. Scapegoat was just two guys - Adam and a friend of his. In their songs, they claim to be nogoodniks who beat up little kids, drink a LOT of slushees, and terrorize their algebra class (note: algebra class was a LONG time ago, guys!)

They have never, ever released an unexpurgated version of any of their songs - most of them are really inappropriate (or, at the very least, unlistenably bad). You know Goofus and Gallant? Well, Scapegoat is Goofus and Goofus.

However, while they were in the same town, they played a three song set at a local venue, marking their first live appearance on Earth since 1995. One uncut recording from it, a new song called "Something Scapegoat This Way Comes," is up on their new facebook page. It's about them beating up little kids (yeah, half their songs are about themselves) (and, yeah, there are few little kids in the world they could actually take on).

More will come soon. Part of our job on-staff is to find and catalog Scapegoat's entire output and figure out what to do with it. Most of the time, the answer to THAT one is easy (burn it before anyone else hears it, for Gd's sake), but some of it IS getting worked into new dance mixes and stuff. Lord help us. See their page.

So that's what ADAM has been wasting his time on. While I flip through my awesome new arc and work on casting the trailer.

Sparks, Religion, and The Meaning of Horseradish

2011-04-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

"Sparks" deals with religion a lot - Debbie is an agnostic who has pretended to be a Christian for the sake of a crush, and winds up going on a "holy quest" for a made-up religion. Some people are surely going to say that the book is anti-religious, making fun of Christianity, or "secular." That's just the sort of thing some people would say. That certainly wasn't the intent; making fun of religious culture (abstinence rallies, Christian rock and whatnot) isn't the same thing as making fun of religion. I think that Christian youth culture probably drives as many people away as it attracts, if not more.

I made a decision early on not to talk too much about my own religious beliefs, but I thought I'd take a minute to talk about what a great holiday Passover is. It's one of those holidays that can be profound and affecting even to an atheist.

Passover (or Pesach) commemorates the Jews' escape from slavery in Egypt. The festival begins with a Seder - a ritual meal - and then Jews avoid all "leavened" food (basically anything with yeast, which is more than you'd think) for a week after. One ends up eating a lot of matzoh.

There are several purposes behind this, but two of the driving ones are: to remind one of how hard it was to be a slave (so you'll stand up against slavery for others), and a reminder of how good it is to be free. Charlie Chaplin once said that becoming accustomed to luxury would be the most tragic thing in the world. Everywhere in the seder are reminders of how bad slavery is and how good freedom is. Some types of good food are left out of the meal and bitter herb is eaten to remind one of the harshness of slavery. A few drops of wine are removed from wine glasses, because the fact that Egyptian soldiers drowned makes things less sweet, even if they were jerks. One sits on a cushion as a reminder of how good they have it now. It's a powerful, incredibly moving ceremony, and it comes with a meal and four glasses of wine. The lessons and story are relevant whether you believe God got the slaves out of Egypt, that it was all politics, or that it's all just a story.

I think it's always useful to look back and reflect that you didn't get where you are on your own. Even if you don't believe in God, your life is as good as it is because (and it could always be worse) because people have been helping you. Teachers who taught you to read, politicians who passed a piece of legislation, doctors who saved your ass. When it comes to our ancestors, we tend to want to take credit for what they did ("Mine came over on the Mayflower and fought at Bunker Hill") rather than being grateful. All of these people and a million more helped you get where you are, and every time they did, it was a type of prayer. Now it's our job to go out and do likewise.

Sparks cover

2011-03-27T10:36:00.001-07:00

Flux sent me a mock-up of the cover a few months back - this is showing up on Amazon, Goodreads, etc, so I guess it's the real one. These sites are also listing November 8 as the release date - the same day as Adam Selzer's new book, EXTRAORDINARY*. It's a full out cage match. It's ON, boss!

Adam Selzer is the Kingpin of the YA Mafia

2011-03-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

I may get fired for this. I may even find myself wearing cement shoes at the bottom of the Chicago River (which is mere blocks from HQ, conveniently enough). But by now perhaps you've seen some blog posts about the supposed group of young adult novelist known as the "YA Mafia" - the all-powerful group that blurbs each others' books and can ruin your career.

Well, it's all true. And Adam Selzer is the kingpin. He takes shadowy meetings and owns a pipe. He lives RIGHT by a bakery that makes GREAT canoli and a toffee place that used to be a sandwich place where the mob whacked a guy in the 70s - a guy that Sam Giancana, mob kingpin, supposedly said was the triggerman who hit JFK. And He JUST GOT OFFERED A GIG WRITING A BOOK ABOUT THE CHICAGO MOB.

Seriously. Selzer is VERY well connected. He knows LOTS of stuff about ghosts and mysteries that he hasn't posted on the Weird Chicago Blog. And I swear to God I've seen Claudia Gray eating spaghetti at Smart Aleck Headquarters.

Here's a picture of Adam eating canoli on Grand today:

Here are some recent tweets I've made about this:

I am outing @adamselzer as the kingpin of the #YaMafia . I'll probably wake up underwater for this....about 2 hours ago via Twitter for Mac
SEE? RT@adamselzer: Just got hired to write a book on the Chicago mob! One of about 5 nonfiction books I may be announcing soon....” #yamafia
@adamselzer swears there's a blog mafia... there are bloggers that other bloggers are scared to disagree with... #yamafia ....
Look. I'm pretty sure that I heard @adamselzer having a shadowy meeting at HQ with @maureenjohnson and @realjohngreen last night #yamafia
And HQ is, like, half a block from Grand Ave. GRAND AVE. In Chicago. Do you KNOW how good the cannoli is around here?#yamafiaabout 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac
Also, everyone on the staff, even the interns, have to take blood oaths...NO ONE gets a best-seller w/o paying @adamselzer off. #yamafia
Sure, his OWN books are far from best-sellers, but that's just a cover... he wrote a BUNCH of bestsellers under fake names. Tons. #yamafia
Not to mention all the secrets he knows that he won't post on the Weird Chicago blog...ghost secrets.... #yamafia@adamselzer IS kingpin.
As kingpin @adamselzer has ruined the careers of several promising authors...they're at the bottom of the Chicago River now. #yamafia
Yeah, right, Selzer. Like you wouldn't have fired me by now if I didn't have dirt on you? #yamafia Some ppl believe anything!
Here's @adamselzer plotting rumbles with other #yamafia guys:http://t.co/NP0eJZxhttp://t.co/QhVMlUS
Some of Adam's nonsensical replies:Damn it, @SJAdamsBooks, I don't impersonate Jim Morrison and I'm not the kingpin of the #yamafia . Or any other mafia that I know of.
I mean, come on, I have to pay to get into my own signing next week. I am NOT the kingpin of the #yamafia, no matter what @SJAdamsBooks says
RIGHT, SELZER! If he doesn't fire or kill me, it's only because I'm too important around here.

Adam Makes Chili: Battle Stations, Everyone

2011-02-24T05:29:00.000-08:00

When Adam decides to cook something for the staff, well....we drill for it. There is to be much "mmmm"ing and rubbing of stomachs.

He spent most of the week turning his kitchen into a science lab to make his entry for this year's Chili Cook-off at Sip Coffee. He often makes a chili that includes pepperoni, but this year he took it a step further and used sausage instead of ground beef. We here on the staff are divided as to whether it's really a chili or just a "pizza stew," with "homemade pizza crust oyster crackers," but we have to admit it's awfully tasty. Try it!

GRAND AVENUE PIZZA CHILI
- 3 cans of diced tomatoes
- 1 can of kidney beans
- 2.5 pounds of hot sausage
- 1/4 pound thinly-sliced pepponi (if you can get the above an Italian deli, do so).
- 1 tablespoon Deep Dish Pizza Seasoning from The Spice House. Substitute some red pepper and paprika and garlic if you don't have any of that.
- 1 teaspoon Chili Powder

Empty tomatoes and beans into a crock pot. Removes sausage from casing and brown, breaking into small chunks in the process. Add to crock pot, along with seasonings. Leave it there all day, then remove to plastic containers to freeze overnight. Thaw in fridge for a day, then return to crock pot. Cut pepperoni into small bits and stir in. Add more seasonings if desired.

PIZZA CRUST OYSTER CRACKERS:

Mix up a handful of flour with a cup of water, a package of yeast, a tablespoon of olive oil and a teaspoon of oregano. Mix, adding more flour until the whole wad of dough can be kneaded without sticking. Roll onto cookie sheet or stone and bake for about 10 minutes at 400. Remove when it's fully baked (but not too crisp) and cut into oyster cracker-sized bits. Keep in a separate bowl.

Spoon chili into bowl, top with mozzarella cheese and the pizza crust crackers. We may not have won the award, but it was the first entry to run out!

My Boss Meets Weird Al

2011-02-20T04:06:00.000-08:00

Smart Aleck HQ now sports a new centerpiece: a spatula that the boss, Adam Selzer, got Weird Al to sign.I'll let him tell the story - here's what he put on his own blog after he attended this breakfast (while I fed the interns their gruel):

Yesterday was the annual Children's Literature Breakfast, at which Anderson's Bookstore gathers 50 or 60 authors from around the state to meet with 500 or so teachers, librarians, etc. I go just about every year; it a good place to meet up with people who have the same job as me. After the event we generally carpool out to some place to have lunch and whine about the rough side of our jobs. It's great!

But this year, the keynote speaker was "Weird Al" Yankovic. To be a guest at the same event as Weird Al was a CLEAR highlight for my career. Even better than when I was on the same radio show as Hulk Hogan.

The first album I ever owned was Al's Even Worse record - it's still probably just about the only album I could sing along with line for line. I have every one of his records, and a White and Nerdy hoody, and DVDs....well, you get the idea.

Al is a role model for anyone working in comedy or satire - the man works his butt off and takes what he does very, very seriously without taking HIMSELF that seriously. It's a tough line to walk! To keep it up for roughly 30 years takes an incredible amount of dedication. I only know a few authors who've been in the game that long, and they're mostly bitter and grumpy. I'm already bitter and grumpy most of them time when talking about my career. Al has plenty of reason to be bitter; he has to take the blame for every crappy parody that he didn't write floating on the internet (which are often attributed to him erroneously), and he's been working in the music business and film business for three decades (two businesses that are generally known for being even worse than publishing). But if he's bitter, you'd never know it.

Me grinning like a chubby-cheeked fool. Obvious reasons.

Above: Al was nice enough to sign my spatula, which is now a centerpiece at Smart Aleck HQ.

Working my table with Al in the background at his.

How We Spend Our Down Time

2011-02-18T05:47:00.000-08:00

When we're not working on a new Smart Aleck's Guide, we here at Smart Aleck HQ still have plenty to do. Adam keeps us busy.

Today, he handed down the assignment of helping him try to find a version of the K-I-S-S-I-N-G in print before 1970 for use on one of his many websites, <a href="http://www.playgroundjungle.com">Playground Jungle</a>, which studies the origins and variations of naughty playground rhymes. That was a tricky one - everyone sort of assumes that the rhyme is ancient (and it probably is), but it doesn't seem to have been written down until about 1970. Weird. Adam was always interested in this sort of thing, and in 2009 he got interested enough to start to blog about it to go with all of his OTHER blogs. No word on whether it'll turn into a book, but we've learned never to assume anything WON'T turn into a book around here.

We're also working on the trailer for SPARKS, my new novel, and tweaking the audio on the trailer for Adam's new one, EXTRAORDINARY, which is already filmed and ready to go as soon as the cover is released.

And gathering and organizing junk for a couple of Chicago history books Adam has been hired to write (one of which, at least, will use something of a Smart Aleck voice).

Now, I'm not saying that we do all of Adam's work for him - far from it. He spends HOURS digging up stories and information. He disappears into libraries, talks his way into old buildings, and gathers data from the field (a fancy way of saying he interviews weirdos). And he's always working on about 5 different novels, so the office is a MESS of papers, chalkboards, notebooks, etc. Projects on the table this month are code-named MAGWITCH, MARS, SATAN (which he might let me take over), OBSTACLE, and LUCRETIA.

Yesterday, he did an interview for CBS about the link between Facebook and depression - we didn't know he was an expert on that! (Neither did he, for the record - he's pretty sure he'll come off looking like a dork) (to which we reply: "Why should today be any different?") Tomorrow he has a big author event where the keynote speaker is Weird Al. Next week he has a couple of school and bookstore visits out in the suburbs. Us? Well, we'll hold down the fort clean out the litter boxes.

Smart Aleck Staff Survives a Near Attack

2011-02-15T07:30:00.000-08:00

We knew when we were working on THE SMART ALECK'S GUIDE TO AMERICAN HISTORY that we were going to run afoul of a few Civil War buffs. See, there are a lot of them who insist that the war had nothing whatsoever to do with slavery. And that's just silly. Sure, you could argue that it wasn't really a Northern crusade against slavery, and that most soldiers probably didn't care much about it one way or the other, but all of the states who issued articles of secession made it VERY clear that they were seceding mainly to prolong the institution of slavery.

Now, we get the odd letter, but never had an actual attack...until today. Here's how it went down on twitter:

SJAdamsBooks: Group of Civil War re-enactors gathered outside of Smart Aleck HQ. In gray. More coming up Grand Ave. This can't be good. #CivilWar2?

SJAdamsBooks: @adamselzer ordered us onto lock-down; I'm on look-out duty. They're calling us yankee revisionist pigs. And they look stinky. #civilwar2?

SJAdamsBooks: Can we handle irate civil war buffs who insist slavery had nothing to do with the war? Armed ones? Hey, man... we drill for this! #civilwar2

SJAdamsBooks: At least we can fight these dudes without proton packs. Most battles we fight for Adam involve proton packs. #civilwar2?

SJAdamsBooks: Gotta say, though, there are some FANTASTIC mustaches among our would-be conquerors...more coming... battle stations, all! #civilwar2?

SJAdamsBooks: We are outnumbered, and having the facts on our side won't win us this battle. But @adamselzer says we're going down fighting. #civilwar2?

SJAdamsBooks: Ranks outside are growing. They're shouting something about "state's rights." Very mad at us for over the civil war chapter. #civilwar2

SJAdamsBooks: And they won't just be debated...we may have to fight this out. We drill for this, but not for a group this size.... #civilwar2

SJAdamsBooks: Our fearless leader, @adamselzer , is going to make a speech before our battle with the civil war re-enactors gathered outside #civilwar2?

SJAdamsBooks: Uh..is it REALLY St. Crispian's day? @adamselzer says it's St. Crispian's day. Making the speech from Henry V. What a maroon. #civilwar2?

SJAdamsBooks: Note: the same speech is in Adam's next book. Shouted out by kids driving a Wells Fargo Wagon full of unicorn poop thru Des Moines. Really.

SJAdamsBooks: "Extraordinary: The True Story of My Fairy Godparent, Who Almost Killed Me, and Certainly never made me a princess" 11/2011

SJAdamsBooks: ( 50 suck-up points, please, boss) </shameless plug> (he's STILL speaking to inspire us pre-battle...who's he think he is? Edward Everett?)

SJAdamsBooks: It's a St. Crispian's Day miracle! Civil War re-enactors disbursing. Adam thinks it's because of his emotional speech and song. #civilwar2?

SJAdamsBooks: I think they responded more to my telling them that the first Chicago Chick-fil-a is about to open on Chicago and Wabash. #civilwar2?

SJAdamsBooks: Glory, glory hallelujah! The smart aleck staff lives to fight another day! I never doubted it. We drill for this, you know.

Actually Civil War re-enactors are mentioned (and not negatively) in SPARKS. What they do is held up as a classic example of "practical time travel," a hobby of one character.

The Test of Time

2011-02-14T06:50:00.000-08:00

So, one of the ongoing jokes in SPARKS is the main character's obsession with Full House. I get warned against this now and then. The first objection people have is a concern that kids today aren't familiar with Full House. This is easily dismissed; that show is on five times a day on various channels. I started watching midway through the first season and stuck with it all the way through to about the last season, when I sort of outgrew it (deciding not to watch it anymore was a milestone in growing up for me). Kids today were raised on it; and, anyway, all they really NEED to know is that it was a cheesy sitcom where people do a lot of hugging, which is explained right away. Those who are more familiar with it will probably get more of a grin out of the book's references to courage hangy-balls and obnoxious neighbors, but prior knowledge isn't necessary. They're explained along the way.

The bigger concern - the one Adam keeps warning me about - is that I'm going to get a lot of reviews that go out of their way to criticize me for using pop culture in the book. These days, one gets a lot of reviewers judging your work against the "rules for writing" they've been hearing, and one of the great rules/myths of the writing world today is that pop culture references will make your book become dated quickly. There were always people going around saying this kind of stuff, but now the author might get a google alert about it.

Adam gets a lot of this himself - many reviews of I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT took great pains to point out that the book will soon become dated due to the pop cultural references. Those references, for the record, were mostly to Cole Porter and Leonard Cohen. Like Full House, those references come pre-dated. They won't be any MORE dated in ten years than they are now, really.

This is the subject of much debate around staff HQ. Is it a good idea to use pop culture in a YA novel?

There are certainly some drawbacks to it - one is that a lot of writers try to use pop culture to show how hip they are or to connect a reader to the main character (as in, "the narrator will like Lady Antelbellum, so readers can say 'I like them, too! She's just like me!") This is not the best way to get a reader emotionally involved, and it' s likely to backfire - readers who DON'T like Lady Antebellum might take an instant dislike to the character, and the book, and the author. You have to do a delicate balancing act to keep from alienating people. That's part of why Adam picked Leonard Cohen and Cole Porter to be Alley's obsessions - most readers probably wouldn't have a strong opinion on them one way or the other, and those who did would probably be the people who liked them.

However, to have a teenage narrator who somehow exists in a world untouched by pop culture strikes me as odd. Yes, having a character listen to the new Radiohead album (and calling it the new Radiohead album) will eventually be a red flag to readers that the book didn't take place just last week, but pop culture isn't the only thing that will do that.

There's a weird thing that goes on in YA these days where people fall all over themselves to make a book that won't date over time. But they all will, really. If you read a book from 15 years ago, no one has a cell phone. Most of them aren't online yet (and if they are, it's AOL or something). They flip channels and can't pause live TV. They have to watch TV for hours hoping to see a certain video. Fifteen years ago, that sort of thing seemed so central to teenage life that we couldn't imagine life without it. No one would have worried that it would date a book. But it did. Whether they mention pop culture or not, no book from 1995 really seems like it could take place in today's world. And, frankly, very few of them are still read much in the first place.

All books date. Every last one of them (except maybe historical books or books that take place in fantasy realms that exist outside our own). A great many classic novels seemed very contemporary when they were first released, but if you can still read and relate to Jane Austen now, it's because the themes of love, romance, desire, and all that jazz still resonate. All of the cultural references have just become part of the charm.

Now, there's a lot to be said for books that cater to those who want to read a book that seems like it could be happening right now, with a narrator who seems just like them. This is, in fact, what many readers want. The trick to make this work is often to have a bland character in a bland world that readers can project their own lives onto. And it takes a skillful writer to do this without the book just being dull. But the world WILL change, and the books WILL date. What's going to happen when the world changes and readers can't project their lives onto the narrator's anymore?

SPARKS is all abut emotion - pain, heartbreak, desire, disillusion, discovery, etc. It's a celebration of life, the universe, and (to borrow a phrase from Jeff Mangum) how strange it is to be anything at all. And, in the process, it examines the effect that pop culture has on our lives, our dreams, and our ideals. The world of pop culture may change, but I don't believe these things will.

However, since I didn't want it to be locked into a VERY specific timeframe, I have had to change it a bit between drafts just to keep up with changes in the world. You see, it takes place in Iowa and has a lot of LGBTQ themes. Not long after the first draft was written, gay marriage was legalized in Iowa. Shortly after the last draft was turned in, Iowa re-electected Terry Branstad (the guy who was governor the whole time I was a kid before retiring in the 90s) and the state legislature started moving to make it illegal again - as of press time, I have no clear idea whether gay marriage will still be legal in Iowa when the book comes out. What I do know is that when it comes out, Iowa will be governed by a guy who has re-affirmed his support for the notion that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. There won't be a reference to whether he's been successful, but there WILL be a couple of points when the main characters plot to plant pressed hams at the governor's mansion (and, yes, I explain that to plant a pressed ham means to press one's butt cheeks against a window). Hopefully the fact that gay marriage is an issue at all will make it dated sooner than later (I'm sure it will eventually). But, if all goes well, Debbie's story will still resonate.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go deal with Adam, who is probably going to say that I'm just parroting things he's already said with this essay…. we may have to settle this with Atari….

(and, yeah, Adam HAS covered this a couple of times: see

Notes on Writing

Will Your Book Be Dated in Five Years? )

BEEF!

2011-02-13T06:38:00.000-08:00

The boss and I are starting up an online feud to see if it drives traffic. Nothing says "sales" like internet drama! Here's today's battle:

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks: You have a potty mouth, you do a lousy job giving the interns their baths, and your work is highly derivative of mine!

SJ: @adamselzer You couldn't clean those interns with a sandblaster. Also, your books are FLUFFY! lThe trade reviews were wrong! #SJvsAdamFeud

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks I'm critically acclaimed, noodle-loaf. YOU'RE the one who told me only trade reviews count! Also: you pancakes suck.

SJ: @adamselzer nice typo! As usual. Mr. "I Forgot How Many Voyages Columbus Made When the Book Went to Print." #SjvsAdamFeud

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks Well, I SAID he made 3 voyages, and eh did. He also happened to make a fourth one. YOU were the fact checker. #SjvsAdamFeud

SJ: @adamselzer Not to quote Ronald Reagan or anything, but THERE YOU GO AGAIN with the typos! #SJvsAdamFeud

SJ: And are you ever gonna FINISH that Satanic YA novel, or just say "eh, there's no market for boy books" and quit, quitter? #SjvsAdamFeud

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks: This is all because I made you get up at 5 for calisthenics, isn't it? Sorry, I believe in physical fitness. #SJvsAdamFeud

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks And you'll be glad you're in shape next time a group of irate Civil War re-enactors show up at HQ #SjvsAdamFeud

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks or a band of bloggers who are made that I (spoiler - sj knows what) and had a main character who started out mean #itwasaredemptionstorypeople!

SJ: @adamselzer Okay. Fair point, there. We drill for a reason. I just need some coffee. Let's go get some coffee #SJvsAdamFeud

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks I'll just have the interns make it. Now let's all go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes! #SjvsAdamFeud

SJ: @adamselzer <3 milkshakes. But we still got beef, Chief. Just SEE if I put "Extraordinary" in an IMM post when I start those! #SJvsAdamFeud

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks Weren't you just joking that you were going to photograph all our junk mail and call it an In My Mailbox Post?

SJ: @adamselzer All my junk mail, plus your new book :) Coffee. Now. Please. Then we'll get to work, Chief.

Adam: @SJAdamsBooks After coffee, we'll settle this like civilized people: Circus Atari!

SJ: @adamselzer I will bury you so deep at Circus Atari even Columbo wouldn't be able to solve the case. You're on!

SJ: @adamselzer And when we get back, we'll see how many sales you racked up from all this drama. YAY!.

NOTE:

- We watch a lot of Columbo at HQ these days. Adam talks like him sometimes. We also play a LOT of Circus Atari. We are FIERCE at Circus Atari.

- We expected a lot of mail pointing out errors in SMART ALECK"S GUIDE TO AMERICAN HISTORY. There've only been a couple, though, and all for pretty minor stuff (not counting the "civil war was not about slavery" brigade).

- While I'm on the subject, you know which kinds of bloggers were most likely to feature that book? LIbrarians and right winger. The first we expected, the latter is kinda out of left field for us. They tend to say that we "expose the lies about our history that the government has forced on us" or some such. Which we don't, though we DO expose how ridiculous the guys who talk about "what our founding fathers intended" are. As though the Founding Fathers all had the same philosophy or something! See our video!

For some reason, that video was set to "private" up until now. Searching for an intern to blame now.

See our other videos!

Word

2011-02-11T04:16:00.000-08:00

Adam is totally jealous that I get to use the f-bomb a dozen or so times in SPARKS. The only book he ever got away with that in was his adult book about life in the ghost hunting business.

We had some fun dealing with the swear words on SMART ALECK'S GUIDE TO AMERICAN HISTORY. Random House assumed that the main market for it would be schools and libraries, since YA nonfiction that isn't about "your changing body," Jesus, or SAT skills isn't really a genre at all. And with school sales, even "damn" and "hell" can be an issue. We couldn't even use "ass" when we were quoting George Washington.

So we had to get creative in terms of dancing around it. LIke, transcribing a World War I soldier's song where the last word was clearly "ass," we left it blank with a footnote saying that no one knew what the lsat word was, because every time the soldiers sang it, a bomb would go off right at the end or something. That's always been our philosophy: make the limitations part of the joke (hence the picture of "The Beatles as they appeared from the back row at Shea Stadium").

We did get away with working "hell" in now and then - usually when we were referring to it as a place (such as when Davy Crocket said "You may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas" before going off to do both).

With some publishers, we wouldn't have even done that. One particularly publisher who was in the running to publish it said we'd have to change a LOT of stuff. We couldn't use words like "stupid." They wouldn't furnish us with a complete list of unusable words, which was a big disappointment. We wanted to frame it at headquarters!

We're under no illusions about how teenagers talk around here - some researchers swear that kids didn't really start swearing in earnest until the 1970s, but anyone who reads much of Adam's Playground Jungle site knows that kids and swearing have always gone together. In the 1980s, people could have some swearing in kids books, but that's really a no-no these days (realism is kind of out, especially in middle grade).

Even in YA, though, you have to watch out: one of the major chains divides YA into "Age 10+" and "Age 14+." If they think your book is "14+," they'll order about half as many copies as they would if it were "10+." Adam usually has to do a real dance to make it clear that the kids ARE swearing without actually shwoing them doing in. In EXTRAORDINARY, his upcoming one, he has the narrator say "this is the REAL story of what happened. I've cleaned up the language a bit, but that's about it" or something like that. That one SHOULD work as a 10+ - a Wells Fargo Wagon full of unicorn crap plays a prominent role in the story, but that should be fine as long as he doesn't call it "shit."

SJ Adams here

2011-02-10T10:03:00.000-08:00

Busy morning at Smart Aleck Headquarters! I'm trying to do last-minute revisions on my book, SPARKS: THE EPIC, COMPLETELY TRUE BLUE (ALMOST) HOLY QUEST OF DEBBIE (which was originally going to be called Debbie Does Detention, but good luck getting THAT into Barnes and Noble!). Meanwhile, I'm in charge of shepherding the interns around while Adam is "in the field."

Now, "in the field" could mean a lot of things. Maybe he's digging through some murderer's papers at the law library. Maybe he and Mike are in the tunnels underneath the condo where some old film studio used to be looking for Old Man Selig's stash of silent film prints. Or maybe he's volunteering for Rahm Emmanuel. He might just be out stomping around in the Chicago snow pretending he's a Yeti or something (I swear he does this).

Anyway, he left me here to try to get to the bottom of this unauthorized Spanish translation of I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED it that's floating around (he acts like he's going off to fight with pirates over it, but I think he's secretly flattered), but I really do want to get this book done!

Now that I have a blog, maybe I should host a giveaway or a meme or something, huh?